We Got Nothing

Yesterday, in one single day, we had three different friends approach us to ask specifically about the adoption. 

One told us she had a list of friends she'd been praying for, friends just like us, who were adopting.  She went on to tell us that we were the last, and only family, still waiting for their child on her list.  (Keep praying so you can mark us off next, Helena!)

Another friend excitedly told me about her colleague who just recently announced she and her husband have also been called to adopt from India.  (Thanks for sharing this amazing news with us, Katy!)

And last night, I got a private FB message from a friend who stated, "I believe Pearl is on her way."  She has been praying for us and for several other friends adopting internationally. (Such encouraging faith, Shannon!  Thank you for praying!)

All three of these interactions in one single day was just the inoculation of encouragement we needed at just the time we needed it.

It's only been six weeks since the last adoption post.  (You know...the one about the giant wall of opposition we're facing?)  Only six weeks.  That's nothing, really.  It's not like months, or years or decades.  Just weeks. 

But in this short time, lots of precious friends have asked, "How's it going?  Any updates?"

My response:  "No.  We got nothing."

I have affectionately deemed this time our "land of nothingness".

The last year has been a flurry of activity.  We've filled out paperwork, prepared for home visits, and organized fundraisers.  All progressive, moving forward activities.  But the land of nothingness...it's that time where we cannot see any progress.  We've not heard of any changes.  It's the time between what has already transpired and what is to come.

It's the dry area in the middle.  We left what we'd always known and stepped out in faith.  We've seen God's amazing and miraculous acts with our own eyes on our behalf and for His glory.  And we can see the hope of what lies ahead, according to His promise.

But for now, we are forced to wait.  Lingering in this land of nothingness.  We want to see.  We want to hear.  But right now, we got nothing.

For some, seeing is believing.  I mean, let's all admit that seeing sure helps believing, right?  When we have visibly seen, with our own eyes, the mighty hand and outstretched arm of God work, our faith goes up exponentially.

But what about the times when we can't see a thing?  When we feel we are groping around in a fog, hoping to catch just a glimpse of something, anything to lock our eyes upon.

That's where we are now.  The place where God is hitting the refresh button in our minds with this truth:  believing, is in fact, seeing.

As my husband prayed the other day, "Lord, we believe you are still working.  We have to believe, because we see nothing right now."

Similar to when I was pregnant with the girls, I had no clue what was going on inside of me.  Visibly, I could not see all the intricacies of my pregnancies.  I did not know exactly how God was forming and creating and knitting together my daughters in my womb.  But I knew He was at work, even though I saw nothing, except a swollen belly.  And I trusted Him.  Period.

I've been reading about the Israelites in the Old Testament a lot lately.  And at different times in the last year and half, I have been drawn to different parts of their story. 

Recently, it's been all about their time in the desert.  What did they do there?  What did they not do there?  How long were they there?  Why were they there?  And my most pressing question, where was God while they were there? 

So God, in His overwhelming kindness, reassured me with this verse the other day:

"He led you through the vast and dreadful desert..." Deuteronomy 8:15

It's what Moses said to the Israelites, God's treasured possession.  He said it to encourage them to always remember what God had done for them.  How He had never left them alone to find their own way.  It's the same words He has used to encourage me, thousands of years later.

We will get through this land of nothingness.  He will lead us through to where He wants us to be at the exact moment we need to be there.  (Just selfishly praying it's not forty years, because well, I'll be really, really old then.)

I choose to believe that, even especially when I got nothing.

I trust you, God.  Period.

"But be assured today that the LORD your God is the One who goes across ahead of you like a devouring fire."

Deuternonomy 9:3a



Need

I found a little note yesterday.  I uncovered it in a stack of papers as I was tidying up a cluttered corner of my desk. 

It only took a second to remember the day my five-year-old wrote it.  The same child who can't seem to resist a cube-shaped stack of brightly colored sticky notes and some glue.  The same child who has recently started leaving us notes in special places hidden around the house.

We've been studying Asia for the past few weeks here at home.  Along with the land and the culture, we've read stories and accounts of people who'd been called and who'd given their lives to serve in various countries such as India and China.  Amazing people such as Amy Carmichael and Gladys Aylward. 

On this particular day, we were watching a quick video about Asia, specifically the unreached people groups in hard-to-reach, never-heard-of places on this continent.

Several minutes into the video I heard, "How do you spell 'people'?"

"P-E-O-P-L-E"

I didn't ask what she was doing.  I confess I was too preoccupied, eyes to the screen, and so was my oldest daughter.

The result: 

She's right.  We do. 

From the horror in Boston to the tragedy in Texas this week.  We do.
From the conversations I had with my sweet friends last night at the ballfield.  We do.
From the moment we're born, to the moment we take our last breath.  We do.

We want to be independent.  We want to have control.  We want to handle things on our own.  We want to be self-sufficient.

But we can't.

We need Jesus.  And He knows it.

Two of my favorite verses in scripture:

When Jesus says,

"Apart from Me you can do nothing."

John 15:5

and when Paul writes,

"I can do everything through Him who gives me strength." Philippians 4:13

Both are true.  Put them together and it's like two sticks of dynamite, creating a powerful explosion in our spirits.

Apart from Jesus, we cannot do a thing.  But with Him, we can do anything.  We are self-sufficient because of His sufficiency.

We do need Jesus.  Will you declare that fact today with me?

In the midst of difficulties, in the midst of stress, in the midst of pain and uncertainty, we need Him.

Father, I pray for my friends who are reading this today.  Those who are dealing with smaller issues and those who have bigger complexities to face.  Those who need to be saved by You and those who need provisions from You.  I pray each one of us will humble ourselves and declare that we need You.  It doesn't mean we are weak.  It means we know and go to the One who has ultimate strength to carry us and our burdens.  Amen.

Spilled

She didn't mean to do it.  It was an accident.

I could feel her excitement.  I could see her nervousness.  Her little hands struggled to stop the shaking.  Balancing the tiny, plastic cup filled to the brim with the dark juice was so much harder than it looked, particularly for a five year old.

It was her first communion in "big church".  With her sister, with us and with everyone else.  It was the first time she'd been able to participate since coming into God's family.  The first time she could walk up to the table, take the bread and the juice and remember...just as He said to do.

..."This is my body, broken for you. 
Do this to remember me...

This cup is my blood, my new covenant with you. 

Each time you drink this cup, remember me."

1 Corinthians 11:24-25 (The Message)

As soon as our family of four returned to our seats and attempted to sit down with our cups and crackers, I felt it.  The splashing wetness landing on my knee and trickling down my leg. 

And then I noticed the effects on her.  Looking down, I saw the consequences of what had just spilled onto her lacy white socks.  A bright red stain.

Instead of huffing during such a holy moment, the Lord halted me with this thought:

What my daughter spilled...her juice...

completely accidental.

What my Savior spilled...His blood...

completely intentional.

 

He meant to do it. It was no accident.

 

Because His precious, perfect blood spilled from His body, because it poured down from the tip of His head and trickled to the bottom of His feet, we are stained.  And amazingly, His stain makes us clean.

 

"...without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness."

Hebrews 9:22b (NIV)

He wants us in His family.  He wants us to have eternal life.  He wants to forgive our sins.

And I am grateful.  Forever grateful that because of His lavish love, the blood He shed on the cross He did so willingly and purposefully.

It was no accident.  He meant every drop spilled.

A Wall That Must Fall

Ever feel like things are going really well in a certain situation in your life?  Actually, better than well?

But then suddenly, and without warning, out of nowhere...BAM!

You run face-first, smack into a wall.  Not just any wall.  But an enormous, unexpected, seemingly-impossible-to-scale wall.

Yeah.  Well...if you have, then we understand.  Completely.  Because we have officially hit our wall. 

Almost three weeks ago we got an email update from our adoption agency.

Our India coordinator had just returned from an international adoption conference in India and from the exact city where our orphanage is located.  Fortunately, she had the opportunity to visit our orphanage and to speak with the caregivers and social workers there. 

Good news.

Unfortunately, everything else she told us after that was the exact opposite.

The bad news is summed up in one line from her email..."...it seems extremely unlikely that there would ever be a potential for a match for your family..."

Discouraging.  Disheartening.  Disappointing.

Following a conversation on the phone, here's what we know for sure:  Our orphanage is tiny.  Extremely tiny.  Like, only 10 kids in the entire orphanage, tiny. 

And only a "few" children there matched the specifics listed in our Home Study.  And then those "few" children would undoubtedly be adopted to one of the hundreds of Indian families on the domestic waiting list, according to Hague Convention law.

The only silver lining we see so far is that we are the only international file in the orphanage at this time.  At least we have no other "competition" and at least we definitely stick out.

So...even though those are the blatant facts staring at us right now, here's why we have not lost heart.  Hang with me as I try to explain.

I started reading the book, The Circle Maker by Mark Batterson, the day before we got the email from our agency.  I am going through it with an amazing group of women from my church.  The premise of the book is the encouragement to pray circles around your biggest dreams and your greatest fears. 

Bold, persistent, specific prayers honor God and God honors bold, persistent specific prayers.

Pertaining to the infamous battle of Jericho in Joshua 6, the author asks this question in chapter 3,

 

"What is your Jericho?" 

In other words,
Like the Israelites, what promise are you praying around? 
What miracle are you marching around? 
What dream does your life revolve around, right now?

When I read this crucial question, I thought to myself, "I don't have a specific wall I'm marching around right now."

The very next day I did. 

BAM.  Hit. The. Wall. 

After our conversation with our agency coordinator, I asked my husband, "So what do we do now?"
He responded, "We pray through.  We gird up our loins and we just keep praying."

When I opened my Bible the next morning, the pages fell to the book of Daniel chapter 10.  Skimming the page, I read these highlighted words spoken to Daniel in verse 12 when God sent a messenger to him, "Do not be afraid, Daniel.  Since the first day your words were heard...." 

The messenger goes on to tell Daniel that even though he was now there, he had been delayed for 21 days by a powerful spiritual being. Daniel's prayers had been hindered by unseen obstacles.

After reading that scripture, I noticed something I had written in the side of my Bible about 10 years ago when I first heard a message about this passage, "Battles exist in the spiritual realms." 

Really.  They do.

At that point, I said out-loud, "Okay, Lord. The battle has now begun."   After a year of "easy" in this adoption journey, here we go.  Game on.

I opened my book, The Circle Maker, to read chapter 4 and nearly choked when I saw the title, "Praying Through".  Remember?  They were the exact words Derek had just said to me the night before.  I mean, seriously?

Then I read Joshua 6:2, printed right there in the middle of the chapter,

"Then the LORD said to Joshua,

'See, I have delivered Jericho into your hands."

 

But when I read it, I did not see the word, "Jericho".  I saw the word, "Pearl", the name we will give our little girl. 

 

God didn't just promise Joshua, "I will deliver."  No.  He used past tense.  "I have delivered."

 

Here were the author's next words in that same chapter:

 

"The battle was won before the battle even began.  God had already given them the city.  All they had to do was circle it."

 

The battle was won before the battle even began.

The battle was won before the battle even began.

The battle was won before the battle even began.

 

Yes.  I typed it 3 times in a larger font because it IS that profound to us!

 

As soon I read those words, the floodgates opened and I went into the ugly cry right there in my very own bed.  I sensed the Lord speaking that promise to me, tenderly, passionately, and fiercely.  Here I had just told Him, "Okay, Lord.  The battle has now begun."  Yet He promised me, "The battle was won before the battle even began."

 

So...yes, while we are disheartened about this latest news with the adoption, we have not lost hope.  God is SO real, y'all.  And He is FOR us.  ALL of us. 

 

Our coordinator gave us three options before we ended our conversation on the phone that night nearly three weeks ago.  We have chosen the last one: hang tight and keep waiting.  And while we wait, we're praying through.  Circling an intimidatingly, gigantic wall, praying it will fall. 

 

Would you consider joining us?  It took a huge army of Israelites, obeying God, believing God, and waiting for God to crash that wall so they could step into their promise.  Even Especially when it seemed impossible. 

Lord, this wall must fall.  It must if we are to move forward in this journey to adopt our little girl.  Make a way where there seems to be no way.  There is no limit to Your power and to Your might.  Set the stage for Your glory to be revealed and allow us the privilege of having a front-row seat.  We believe You have delivered Pearl into our hands.  Give us persistence and perseverance as we keep circling and keep praying for this wall to fall.  Amen.

Joy, Oh Joy! Celebrating Baptism Day!

 

"Yet to all who received Him, to those who believed in His name,

He gave the right to become children of God." John 1:12

One morning last September, six years of prayers were answered when our baby girl's life was changed.  Forever.

During our time in the Word that day, the girls and I began discussing two contrasting groups of people in the world: those who accept the message of Christ and those who reject it.  Those who say "yes" to His amazingly free, underserved gift of salvation and those who don't.  Those who have been adopted into the family of God and those who have not.

At one point in the conversation, Gloria looked at me, concerned, and stated, "I don't know whose family I'm in."

My simple response: "Whose family do you want to be in?"

Her reply:  "God's family."

We talked.  We prayed.  And then my daughter came to Him just as a child should, in complete and total faith.

In faith, she believed Jesus, God's sinless Son, died on the cross for her. 
In faith, she asked Jesus to take away her sin. 
In faith, she said "yes" to Jesus as her Savior and "yes" to following Him.

And by grace, at that moment, she was adopted into the family of God, forever belonging with Him.  (Click here to read a previous post about the wonder and privilege of our own spiritual adoption.)

Five months later Gloria told us she wanted to get baptized.  Though once quite timid about the whole thing, now she was SUPER excited to show everyone else what Jesus had done in her and for her. 

Last Sunday, my husband had the privilege of baptizing his second daughter in front of our family, our sweet church family, and our dear friends.  It was one of the most joyful experiences for all of us!

Here are a few pictures of our celebration:

 

One happy girl right there!

 

Mama about to pray...

 

 

 

Nothing but joy and peace. :)

We will continue to celebrate!  Not because of anything we have done, but because of everything He has done for us. 

 

And most of all, we will continue to pray, pray, pray for both of our daughters. 

Pray they will keep saying "yes" to Jesus as they seek Him and the paths He has planned for their lives. 

Pray they will be warrior-princesses for His kingdom. 

Pray they know and rely on their Father's lavish love and the security of their eternal family. 

Forever. 

Amen.

 

"Yet to all who received Him, to those who believed in His name,

He gave the right to become children of God." John 1:12

 

Tea, My First-Born and Me

 

"So that's why Daddy calls you his teacup!" exclaimed my nine-year old, Grace, sitting next to me on our first mommy-daughter date.

I had just finished displaying and describing these three items to her, according to author, speaker, and founder of Secret Keeper Girls, Dannah Gresh and it suddenly clicked.

The paper cup.  The ceramic mug.  The china teacup.

Twelve years earlier, I'd shared nearly the exact same object lesson with a group of teenage girls during a series on sexual purity in our home using Dannah's book, And the Bride Wore White.  Now I found myself revisiting these questions and these truths with my first-born after beginning another one of Dannah's book, 8 Great Dates for Moms and Daughters.

Back then and today, the message remains the same:  Be governed by your value. 

How do you see yourself?  How do others see you?

In your relationship with your mom and dad?
In the way you treat people? Your friends? Your siblings?
With your time with God?
Concerning the clothes you choose to wear?  The clothes you'd like to wear?
With the way you care for your body?
With the words you speak?
With the movies or television shows you watch? 
With the books you read? 
With the music you listen to?
By the images you view on the Internet?  Etc.

Are your actions or choices similar to a disposable, trashable, Styrofoam or paper cup?   
Or an ordinary, everyday, easily-replaceable ceramic mug? 
Or the highly-valued, highly-treasured, priceless, china teacup?

We made our way down the lists, discussing and evaluating ourselves honestly to each other.

But this was only one part of our time together.  Time, prior to the Secret Keeper Event last month, I was unaware we needed.

Two months ago, when I asked a group of moms and their daughters (ages 8-12) to join Grace and me at the Secret Keeper Girls Pajama Party in Atlanta, I had a feeling it would be an uniquely memorable time for us all.  And the event did not disappoint. 

We had so much fun.  We sang songs.  We danced.  We saw a modesty fashion show.  We ate sweets.  We played games.  We spent time together as moms and daughters.  We prayed together.  And we learned what God has to say about us in His Word.  It was the ultimate "girl world" pajama party.

During the break, Grace wanted to walk around and look at the merchandise table.   Out of all the books, the keepsakes, and other items they were selling, Grace zeroed in on the book, 8 Great Dates for Moms and Daughters.  

I didn't buy it that night, but ordered it online later after she mentioned it again.  I couldn't believe her excitement when it finally arrived on our doorstep.  And also a week later, when she saw the book sitting (unread) on my nightstand and asked, "Mom, when are we going to start this?!?"

I homeschool both of my girls, therefore I am with them all day. Every breakfast. Every lunch. Every snack. Every dinner. Every high. Every low. I see it all and live through it all. All day. Everyday.

I read to them. I talk to them. I spend time with them. Lots of time. All the time. With them.

But what I was hearing from Grace's heart was a desire to be with me.  Just me.  And as much as she loves her, no little sister.  No school.  Just her and me doing fun girl stuff.  My girl was craving some quality time. 

I knew this was something she really wanted and really needed.  I also knew it would take some intentional effort on my part.  But spurred on by her excitement, I read the book, did a little research,and organized our first official mother-daughter date. 

The suggested location from the book was a tearoom.  I had a couple of options, but based on some recommendations by friends, I chose a local establishment called Cafe 313, which we'd never been to before.  It turned out to be the perfect place for us and for our date.  We drank lemonade (since neither of us wanted tea) from our own china teacups and saucers brought from home, had a delicious lunch and ate some of the finest desserts we'd ever tasted. 

Notice the teacups on the wall?  Perfect setting for our date!

Name is based upon Ecclesiastes 3:13. Love it. :)

From the beginning I could tell Grace felt special and pampered.  It was just us, having some girl gab time, talking about things concerning beauty, modesty and fashion which her five-year old sister isn't quite ready to discuss. 

We weren't rushed.  We weren't interrupted.  We weren't distracted.  I needed to hear her heart and she got to hear mine.  It was sweet.

Grace will be turning ten later this year and will be deemed a "tween" by today's world.  She will find herself caught in that stage between being a little girl and emerging into a full-blown teenager.  Mercy.

Life gets trickier for her as she learns to navigate these waters and I don't want her to cave to the pressures of this world by growing up too quickly.  I want to be there for her.  I want to maintain a close connection with her. I want to know her and reassure her of her true identity in the One who created her and adores her. 

No, a mom does not have to buy this book or go on eight dates with her daughter to know her and be a stable, supportive role in her daughter's life.  But my daughter wants this time and I need it, too.  This experience has motivated me to be intentional, resourceful and creative. And that is a good, good thing for this preoccupied mama!

We have seven specific dates left (think facials, art gallery, shopping and more).  Each date has a specific theme, sure to make some special memories, which is why we bought a special scrapbook in which to record them all.  Our plan is to go on one date each month, leading up to Grace's big double-digit birthday. 

Then, in about three to four years, I'll get to do it all over again with my sweet girl, Gloria.  And then again with our youngest daughter, a little brown-skinned Indian treasure who'll be in our family one day soon.  Hopefully.

Maybe I should write my own book at that time, since I am bound to be a rock star at mastering these mommy-daughter dates with each of my little teacups in training.  :)

How do you know someone had a good time?
When they repeatedly tell you, "Thanks, Mom!"

Desperate

One year ago this week we signed our names on the papers.  We said "yes" to this amazing journey to adopt.  We applied to the India program with our agency and have yet to look back. 

Full steam ahead for 365 days.  That is until last week when we had our first setback.

A phone call.  Another phone call.  Excitement.  An email.  A picture.  Information.  More excitement.  Some questions.  Some answers.  Some concerns.  Some prayers.  Another email.  More questions.  More answers.  More concerns.  Less excitement.  More prayer.

Argggggg.......

When was the last time you were desperate?  Desperate to know what you should do?  Desperate to know, without any hesitation, His plan for you?  Desperate to see His hand and seek His face in light of your situation? 

In a nutshell, that was us last week.  Summed up and tied up in one emotion-packed word:  desperate.  Faced with a HUGE, life-altering decision and desperately needing wisdom.  ASAP.

"If you don't know what you're doing, pray to the Father. 

He loves to help.  You'll get His help, and won't be condescended to when you ask for it. 

Ask boldly, believingly, without a second thought."

James 1:5-6 (The Message) 

We know our Father's voice.  We have heard Him say, "Yes" and we have heard Him say, "No".  We know what undeniable peace feels like when we're walking the path He's set before us.  We also know what unrest, irritability and irritation feels like when we're not.

The whole situation reminded me of a winter day a couple of years ago.  On this particular day, I was traveling alone in my car to an unknown destination, trying to figure out the newly added navigation feature on my phone. 

On the way there, I got turned around.  I didn't know where I was going.  All because my cell phone kept cutting out.  The signal kept fading and I needed to hear the GPS voice to know which way to turn and to help me get to my destination.

I needed help.  If I didn't hear the voice,  I would be lost.

Then I remembered this:

"Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying,

'This is the way; walk in it.'"

Isaiah 30:21 (NIV)

The phone finally kicked back in and thankfully, I arrived exactly where I needed to be and exactly when I needed to be there.

Last week, my mind went back to that day in the car while comparing it to our current situation.  In the same way, Derek and I needed direction.  Our ears needed to hear His voice telling us "This is the way. Walk." or "This is not the way. Stop."

Our minds sorted through the facts.  Our hearts felt the pull of the emotional weight bearing down on us.  We desperately wanted it all to work out.

With each passing hour, each new piece of information, and each prayer prayed, we strained to hear.  We leaned in, listened and eventually, heard Him clearly.

What we'd been so hopeful for and so excited about, quickly turned the other way.  We struggled.  We cried.  We released it.  And that's when we felt the loss.  Just like we did when we walked through the miscarriage I had nearly seven years ago.

When it wasn't meant to be.  Not then.  Not now.

We started this journey by letting our "yes be yes".  But in this particular situation we had to simply let our "no be no."

Today, we are not disheartened, just disappointed.  Our hearts no longer heavy, but hopeful.

We will continue to wait for God and for His immaculate timing for our family.  It will happen.  We don't have the slightest idea when, but we hold to the belief that it will.  And hopefully, soon and very soon.

For now, we've gotten up, dusted ourselves off, laced up our shoes and stepped back on the path of this journey.  We are walking again.  But some things remain unchanged. 

We are still desperate. Still desperate for His leading.  Still desperate for His voice.  Still desperate for His direction.

We will keep going and keep trusting and keep asking for His help to know where to walk and when to walk toward the little one we are desperate to have in our family.


(Forgive me for the vagueness of this post.  Unfortunately, we cannot share all the details for privacy's sake.  Thank you for understanding.)