Stop, Collaborate & Listen

I read the words this morning.  I wrote them down on an index card.  I even declared my desire to do so throughout today. 

 

But then...

 

I opened my bedroom door.  The day began.  Distractions and frustrations arose.  And quite simply, I just forgot.

 

Here's the excerpt I read from my Jesus Calling devotional:

 

"Try to depend on the help of the Spirit as you go through this day of life. 

Pause briefly from time to time to consult with this Holy One inside you...

He will guide you as you give Him space in your life. 

Walk along this wondrous way of collaboration with My Spirit."

 

Phrased in this way, I saw my interaction with the Holy Spirit painted in new light. 

 

Yes, He lives within me.  Yes, I depend upon Him.  Yes, I ask Him for guidance and wisdom and peace.  But I don't think I've ever considered each day, each moment, as an opportunity to collaborate with Him.  To work with Him.  To join forces to reach a common goal: the glory and edification of Christ.

 

I want to do that.  It's beneficial to my own soul to practice it.  It's beneficial to my family to implement it.

 

My days are filled with opportunities to partner with the Holy Spirit.  My workplace is small and my interaction is limited primarily to two precious souls, but the depth of my influence is profound.

 

When a question, a conflict, a circumstance arises, I want to pause and consult.  To inquire of the Holy Spirit and not resort to unhelpful, fleshly inclinations.  To be an example of peace and calm in the midst of chaos, pain or doubt. 

 

I want to collaborate with the Holy Spirit when hormones vie for dominance and the gauge on my patience tank reads empty.  In those moments, walking in collaboration with the Spirit rescues us all.

 

"Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit."

Galatians 5:25

 

The good news:  I get to try again...tomorrow. 

Deliberately, intentionally stopping, listening, and collaborating with the Holy Spirit.

 

And that my friends, is tonight's word from this mother.

 

Brunch with a Super Model

Yep.  I did.  I ate chicken-salad croissants and muffins and fruit with a super model yesterday.

But I'll get back to that in just a minute...

If you happened to read this post back in February, Tea, My First-Born and Me, then you already know I have been going through the Secret Keeper Girl book, 8 Great Dates for Moms and Daughters, with my oldest, Grace.

When I wrote that post, we'd only been out on our first date.  Our intention from the start was to go on one special date per month, leading up to Grace's 10th birthday in October.  Amazingly, I can say we've done just that!  So, date #7 was slated for the month of August. (I know, I know.  I need to go back and post about dates #2-6...) 

With the start of school and other responsibilities, I confess I'd not given this month's date all that much thought.  I knew the suggested activity was for me to take Grace to a hair salon and allow her to get a new "do".  But we'd just done that last month--not because it was fun, but because girlfriend desperately needed a haircut.

A couple weeks ago, our church announced an upcoming women's event: a brunch and a guest speaker.  The scheduled guest speaker was Kylie Bisutti.  Don't know the name?  Neither did I at first.  Let me introduce you to her.

Kylie is a former Victoria Secret's model turned role model who’s written a book entitled, I’m No Angel. 

By His grace, God rescued Kylie from a destructive industry and set her onto a path to give Him glory through her story when she chose to walk away from it all.  The fame.  The notoriety.  The money.  All of it.

Today, Kylie is 23 years old, married, and expecting her first child.  From my limited observation, she is a quiet, humble young woman whose heart still breaks when she speaks of her intense struggles for affirmation and attention during her modeling career. 

Now, she feels compelled to help young girls (and women) see and shatter the illusion the enemy presents in the form of worldly beauty and acceptance.

When I first heard about the women's event and the speaker, I must confess, I wasn't keen on the idea.  For several reasons, I just wasn't.  I couldn't figure out how Kylie's story of walking away from the fashion world would intersect with my life today.  I mean, what on earth could a stay-at-home, homeschooling mama possibly have in common with a super model?  No. I couldn't see the connection, but I decided to go anyway.

Then several of my mama friends mentioned they were bringing their daughters to hear Kylie speak.  I asked Grace if she wanted to come and she did. 

 

A couple days before the brunch, I looked back over date #7 and noticed the title, "Internal Fashion".  The premise of date #7 was the emphasis on inner beauty.  Paying more attention to what our hearts are wearing on the inside versus what we're wearing on the outside.  With submission being the main focus.

The author, Dannah Gresh, describes submission (that often misunderstood word in our society) as "allowing someone else to lead you."

The more I read the chapter on date #7 and armed with what I already knew of Kylie's story, I thought, "Hmm...I think I'll let this brunch fulfill our date for the month."  I had no idea how much it would do just that.

As she spoke to a room filled with about 400 females, I listened as Kylie shared her heart.  She spoke about the ungodly things she did and then how God’s kindness led her to repentance.  I heard her say (without actually saying) how she learned to submit to God, allowing Him to clothe her with strength and dignity, good deeds, and the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit. 

Afterwards, I had the privilege of relating those observations to my daughter.  No, we didn’t make it to the hair salon today as instructed in date #7, but we heard and saw a living testimony of submission.  A gorgeous girl with an even more gorgeous soul, telling and showing what true beauty is.  An example of modesty, renewed purity and redemption.

I spoke with Kylie when the brunch was over and nearly everyone else had left.  I asked her if she'd ever heard of Secret Keeper Girl.  She had not, but seemed genuinely interested in knowing more about it.  Briefly, I went on to explain about the ministry and my love for it. 

I told her I felt Secret Keeper Girl might really like her message.  She was very intrigued and told me she would definitely look them up.  Then, before I walked away, I encouraged her with the fact that she never knows what God's plans could be for her and what platform He might present to her next.  Maybe working on the Secret Keeper Girl team???
 

 

How awesome would it be if Kylie's path and Secret Keeper Girls' paths intersected?  I feel her heart’s message, the message of true beauty and modesty, resonates with theirs.  She wants to be a positive role model now and help as many young girls as she can.  I believe young girls might really respond to seeing a young, beautiful, successful model who left the fashion industry tell them what God really thinks about beauty. 

 

Don't you agree?

 

I believe Kylie is a treasure in the kingdom of God and He’s using her in amazing ways with this generation of young girls. 

 

And how awesome would it be for her to exchange one kind of secret for another?

From Victoria's Secret to Secret Keeper Girl.

 

I believe in this so much that I actually typed out a two-page letter on behalf of Kylie and sent it to Dannah Gresh.  I know.  Completely crazy, right?  (Now pray Dannah will actually receive it and read it!)

 

I've never done anything like that before in my life.  But after sitting next to Kylie at the table and listening to her share her heart as my friend interviewed her on stage, I was compelled to do so. 

I saw God's child.  And someone's daughter whom I could have easily taught in first grade back in the day.  And a young woman who's seen and experienced much darkness in her few years.  And a wife and mom-to-be now basking in Christ's light and favor shining around her.
 

So I guess I was wrong...again.  Kylie's story did, in fact, intersect with my life.  Just not in any way I thought it would.  But only God could do that.  And I'm glad He did. 
 

Why We're Homeschooling Again This Year

As much as we'd like to proclaim, "LONG LIVE SUMMER!" from the tops of our lungs, we have to face the fact.  It's that time of year. 

Back to school.

Before moving ahead to our third year, let's venture back just a few months ago here at Fort Academy.  Last May we celebrated both Gloria's kindergarten graduation and the end of another successful year.  Here are a few pics.



Rocked out our 2nd year!

Girls helped me set the table for our end-of-school celebration

 

The staff and student body

Best. Class. Ever.

Cue the "Pomp and Circumstance"

Singing the "Magic e Song"



Sharing a piece of poetry



Girls were tickled to give me this...

 

Yes!  Teacher of the Year!  Tough race, but SO glad I came out on top. ;)

As my girls start 1st grade and 4th grade, I want to step back and remind myself why we do what we do.

We know the choice we've made to homeschool our girls is the best fit for us in this season with our family.  Right now it just works.  We're aware that one day it might not.  That's why we take one year at a time, constantly reevaluating and reconsidering the needs of our girls and of ourselves.

And just like any parent trying to help any child with anything, particularly homework, we have bumpy moments in this journey.  Some days it is inevitable.  Lots of pouting, grumbling, and crying. And then on other days, it's my girls' turn. :)

For the record, I attended a public elementary, middle and high school.  So did my husband.  We loved it.
I graduated from a Christian college and then began teaching in a public elementary school.  Loved it.
I married my husband who has been teaching in the public education system for 16 years.  He loves...okay...most days, he likes it.
My oldest attended preschool, kindergarten and first grade in a fabulous local Christian school.  She loved it.
My youngest attended preschool at the same school.  Also loved it.
I was a long-term substitute at that exact school.  Loved it.
And my husband is currently serving in his second year on the school board there as well.  Loves it.

But yet...

We homeschool.  And you guessed it.  We love it.

Maybe we just love education.  Maybe we're just school nerds who are capable of being content learning wherever, whenever.  Maybe.

But maybe we have chosen to homeschool because we felt the Lord leading us strongly in this direction three years ago and still choosing to keep us here now.

While God continued to nudge us toward to homeschool, simultaneously I sensed His call to die to selfishness.  Always the hardest part for me.  (Still is.)  In this case, I struggled with wanting MY freedom.  MY independence.  MY time. 

As I continued to wrestle with the Lord about this, I found my clear answer one evening in a very familiar story in Matthew 14. You know the one. Hungry crowd. Little boy. Bread and fish. Big miracle.

Simply put, the people were starving after being outside all day long.  Jesus' disciples, who were probably feeling the hunger pangs themselves, came up with their own solution.  Send the people away to get their own food.

But Jesus had a different plan and a completely different response: 

"They do not need to go away. 

You give them something to eat."



Without a doubt, I knew in that moment, God had given me a directive through His Word.

I was not to send my girls away to get their needs met by anyone else.  I was to do it.  It was to be my job.  My responsibility.  I was to give them "something to eat."

But...
*what if I screwed up?
*what if I didn't have enough patience?
*what about friends?  Mine and theirs?

As my list of questions grew, and as insecure and incompetent I felt, I still knew what I had to do. 

I did the same thing the little boy did with his five loaves and two fish. 

I took the little bit I had (the little bit of educational experience, the little bit of desire, the little bit of patience, the little bit of unselfishness, the little bit of confidence, etc.) and offered it to Jesus. 

Looking in, my basket held little to boast about.  Little to make a difference.  But humbly and willingly, I lifted it up to the only One who can multiply equations far more complex than any I ever tried to solve in school.

My job was to submit to His plan for our family. 
My joy has been watching Him feed His little sheep.

Out of curiosity last night, I asked my husband and both of the girls why we homeschool and why they like it.

My husband gave his list.  It was full of great answers like: deep, meaningful individualized instruction, a biblical worldview, chance to illuminate Christ throughout every subject, creating life-long learners, privilege of knowing and attending specifically to our girls' strengths and weaknesses, the intimate fellowship with family, etc.

My girls gave their list.  It included: getting to stay home all day, sleeping late, wearing pajamas/dressing how they want, no homework, getting done early, having lots of time to play, getting to be with each other, hearing great stories read to them, cuddling in Mommy's lap to read, moving at their own pace with work/not having to wait for others to finish, having Mommy as a teacher (yes, they really said that one), etc.

After they were all finished, and I'd recorded their answers, I asked again, "So, is that it?  Any other reasons why we homeschool?"

Grace turns to me and says, "Mom, because God told you to.  Remember?"

So, yeah, I guess that's it. 

Until we hear differently, until we are led in another direction, the plan is to continue homeschooling.  We will continue to give them something to eat.  We will continue to offer up our baskets in obedience and wait as He provides in miraculous ways.

My prayer for my girls is the same result the crowd (and the disciples) had after Jesus took care of their needs.

"They all ate and were satisfied..."

Matthew 14:20

Disclaimer: We know homeschooling is not the best fit, nor God's plan for every family. (gasp!)  We have friends and family who homeschool, some who send their children to Christian school, some who attend public school.  Each family has to do what is best for each individual child at each stage in his/her life.  We fully support all three options and the families who represent them.  As stated before, this is the best plan for us at this season in our lives.

Clutching the Lion

One last thing I wanted to do before our summer was officially over.

I wanted to introduce the girls to my all-time, favorite hero in all of children's literature.

I wanted to read the same book to them which was read to me when I was in elementary school.  The same book I couldn't help but read again as an adult.

I had to tell them about an epic adventure in an enchanted land.

I had to introduce them to Peter and Susan and Edmund and Lucy.  And to Narnia.  And more than anything, they just had to know Aslan.

So I found my copy of, The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe and I started reading.  Prodded along by the girls, I finished the book in less than three days. 

I've read a LOT of books to my girls over the years, but nothing I can recall has captured their little hearts and minds as this story. 

And why wouldn't it?  It's filled with fantasy, wonder, imagination, good, evil, betrayal, redemption, battle, and triumph. 

But mostly because the main character, Aslan the lion, is a representation of Christ.  I'm grateful my girls were able to see Him and hear Him loudly and clearly throughout the pages. 

They saw His power.   His wildness.  His wisdom.  His friendship.  His protection.  His authority.   His sacrifice.  His love.

And they saw themselves in each of the Pevensie children.  So did I.

Though more like Susan, I would rather identify with the youngest, little Lucy.

Fearless and brave, full of belief.  In all things at all times.

 

Here's an excerpt regarding Narnia and the Lucy we so love from Jennie Allen's A-MAZING book, Anything,

Aslan is running wild to battle, and she (Lucy) is clutching his fur, just trying to hold on for her life.  When they arrive, everyone has been turned to stone.  Aslan begins to turn them, miraculously turn them back to flesh.  And Lucy gets to be part of that!  She just held on for the wild ride and she gets to see all of that.

All Lucy did was hang on and believe.  She believed.  God wants all of us to be a part of these stories with him, and because she hung on, she participated in the most moving of stories, winning wars and healing and restoring souls.  This is the epic stuff spiritual stuff is made of.  I wanted to hold on.  Despite all my fear, I wanted to not miss a thing.

Over and over I'm reminded life is meant to be lived as an adventure.  Safe, comfortable and happy just doesn't seem to cut it anymore.  Neither does living in the middle.  Stuck somewhere in the wardrobe when there's a whole other world waiting to be experienced.

I want to be a part.  So like Lucy, I'm hanging on.

I'm trusting God is still at work.  Still working all things together for the good.  Particularly in the adoption.  I'm clutching tight to His hand, waiting for His Spirit to breathe new life into our situation.

I'm hanging on, keeping my eyes wide open so I don't miss a thing.  I'm hanging on and believing even when it all seems like a crazy, unsafe dream from a long time ago in a faraway land.

Upon hearing about Aslan for the first time from Mr. Beaver at the beginning of the book, Lucy asks,

"Then he isn't safe?"

Mr. Beaver responds with...

 

 

It was a necessary reminder for me.  No, He's not safe.  Neither are His ways sometimes. 

But yes, He is good.  And because He's my King, I will trust Him, clutching onto Him for dear life, wherever He chooses to take us on this wild ride.

Sore Loser?

The other day I wanted Heaven.  Like really, really wanted it.

 

I wanted all that I know to be true about it. 

 

I wanted perfection.  And purity.  And health.  And right.  And full.  And joy.

 

No problems.  No pain.  No tears.  No wrong.  No lack.  No loss.

 

I just really wanted Heaven.  For me and for so many others.

 

I've noticed these times of longing happen periodically.  But mostly, whenever I'm sensing lack or loss.  Which is where I was.  Which in some ways is where I still am.

 

An experience or a reminder and that earthly feeling of emptiness settles in my soul and I don't like it.  I don't like empty or lack or loss.

 

I like full.  I like a full belly after a meal.  A full pantry after a trip to the grocery store.  A calendar full of activities.  A full bank account.  Full experiences.  Full opportunities.  I don't like empty.

 

I didn't like it seven years ago this month when we had one of our most profound losses.  When one day we were celebrating life.  And weeks later, mourning loss.  When hope and expectation filled my womb, only to be followed by emptiness.  When the label "miscarried" replaced "pregnant".

 

And I still don't like empty today.

 

According to wise Solomon, "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven." (Ecclesiastes 3:1)

 

If I take the fullness in one season, I have to be able to deal with the lack in another. 

Last week, my girls stayed home with a babysitter while my husband and I attended a meeting at church.  When we got home, we received a not-so-great report from my oldest daughter about our youngest daughter's behavior. 

On two different occasions, she acted out because things didn't quite go her way. 

She didn't want to take her turn being "IT" during a game of tag.  Then in the midst of trying to decide on a movie to watch, she expressed her discontent because she lost a round of  "Eeny, meeny, miney, moe" as well as "Whoever guesses the number gets to choose"--two well-played attempts by our sitter to be fair about the selection process.

This isn't the first time we've seen our youngest behave this way.  She's a six year old who doesn't like to lose (I mean, what six year old does?).  As her parents, one of our present tasks is helping her learn to deal with loss and not grow up with a "sore loser" label attached to her cute little forehead.

As my husband and I sat in her room that night explaining her offense and discussing consequences with her, I felt the Spirit nudge me, too.

How are you dealing with your current losses? 

With fussing?  Complaining?  Pouting?  With a disagreeable spirit?  With a "That's not fair" attitude? 

Or with acceptance?  And patience?  And prayer?

As I wrestled this out with the Lord,  I asked, "What do I do with all of this?  When I see loss and lack in my world and in others' worlds?  When Heaven is not an option right now, Lord?"

His quiet, but clear response was this...

Have it to the full.  Abundance.  His reminder of what He gives.   

He gives life.  And He promises to give it to the full.

Then suddenly a flood of other reminders rushed at me. 

This...

 

And this...

 

And this...

All reminders that my Father's speciality is fullness.

These empty, filled with loss, moments and seasons have the potential for great purpose. 

But only if we take them to the One whose fullness can crowd them out.

So that's what I'm asking during this season.

Father, fill me with Your fullness.  Let it crowd out the empty places.  The places where I see and feel lack and loss.  Help me not to be a sore loser.  And may I be content on the days when I really just want Heaven.  Thank you for coming.  Thank you for promising life to the full.

When It's Best to Just Shut Up

We're celebrating fifteen years of marriage today.  And for the sake of reminiscing, I'm sharing a few pictures of a certain young, innocent (& pretty clueless) couple back in the day on July 11, 1998:

On one hand, I cannot believe it's been that long.  On another, I cannot believe it's only been that long.

In fifteen years of marriage, I'd like to think I've learned a thing or two about living blissfully with my man. 

Things like respecting and honoring and trusting and supporting.  All really good things.  And about listening and observing and encouraging and praying.  All really great things. 

But one of the biggest lessons I'm afraid I'll still be learning until the whole "death do we part" thing can be summed up by any one of these phrases:

Be quiet.
Zip it.
Shush.
Close your mouth.
Silencio, por favor.
Hold your tongue.
Shut up.

However you choose to say it, they all mean the same thing.

Don't. Say. Another. Word.

I know the last one on the list sounds harsh.  Believe me, it sounded harsh fifteen years when it was said in my very own wedding ceremony...by my husband's friend and college mentor who was co-officiating the ceremony. 

After the vows, ring exchange, and unity candle, our friend stopped to take a moment to offer some personal words of wisdom and encouragement to both of us before we were announced as husband and wife.

He started with my husband.  He recalled a time in college when he felt my husband was holding back emotionally.  He emphasized the vital importance of him sharing his innermost feelings.  Of being open and vulnerable, even when it was hard.  Of trusting someone else (namely me, the new wife) with both his pains and his joys.

Then our friend shifted his attention to me.  He began with a story of another couple he'd counseled.  He told how the wife had come to him expressing her dissatisfaction with her husband's leadership and asked his advice as to what she should do.  Our friend said he knew the answer.  She just needed to "shut up...be quiet...and pray".  His implication:  I may need to do the same whenever I felt the same.

It was a stereotypical gender analysis.  Man needs to talk more, woman less. 

At first, I bristled.  I didn't like the way it sounded to my ears.  Even as gentle and as calm and as kind as he tried to say it, he still said it.  He said the words, "shut up" in my wedding ceremony and I was stunned.

Naive and inexperienced, I certainly had no idea how to navigate the waters of a godly marriage.  I had no idea what was ahead and had no idea how much I needed to hear those words.  But our friend apparently did.  He knew I'd need to hear them.  Maybe not then, but most definitely later.  Especially fifteen years later.

There are certainly times when it's beneficial and appropriate to speak up; I do not condone being a doormat.  As a matter of fact, I come from a long, female bloodline of "non-doormats".  But other times, I must confess.  It's best to just shut up.

So yes, I'm still learning this:

I spend most of my days overseeing, managing, correcting and teaching my girls.  I do all of this and all of that.  I'm a caretaker and a mama...just not my husband's.

And at no time do I desire to be this...

"A nagging spouse is like the drip, drip, drip of a leaky faucet;
You can't turn it off, and you can't get away from it."
Proverbs 27:15-16 (The Message)

No ma'am.  No sir.

Instead, I'd rather choose to:

*respect versus reprimand.
*encourage instead of enrage.
*agree instead of argue.
*consider instead of correct.

When I forget (and I will), I hope to call to mind the story of Daniel in the lion's den. 

I will try to remember the ferocious, ready-to-devour beasts as they stood before one of God's children.

And I will remember how an angel of the Lord was sent to still the lions.  To shut their mouths so they could not hurt or wound (Daniel 6:22a).  All because of prayer.

Harsh?  Maybe.  But sometimes harsh makes you think.  Especially when it's also true.  And helpful.  And inspiring.  And necessary.  And kind. 

So I finish with this:


Thanks to my pastor for this gem. :)

Lord, I know there's a time for everything.  

There's a time to speak and a time to be silent (Ecclesiastes 3:7b). 

Give me the wisdom to know the difference. 

Shut my mouth if what I'm about to say is not true, helpful, inspiring, necessary and kind.  

And may you richly bless the next fifteen+ years of my marriage as you have the first fifteen.  

Amen.

Declaration of Dependence for Today

Can't do it.  Not today. 

The moment I do is usually the exact moment it bombs.  You know I'm right, Lord.  You know me full well.

Your own people tried.  They didn't get it right either.  They kept doing whatever they wanted, whenever they wanted, and to whomever they wanted.

Your Word says it was because they had no king.

"In those days Israel had no king;
everyone did as he saw fit."
Judges 21:25

That's why they did it.  Oblivious to You.

As I look inward and around, I notice how little things have changed.  Thousands of years later, I see moments when we're still trying to do our own thing.  In our own way.  With no profitable results, only substantial heartache and regret.

So much like a toddler, our hearts scream, "I can do it all by myself!" 

In the spirit of independence we think we can or we think we should, so we do.  But independence and self-reliance will eventually fail us in the spiritual realm.

The good news is that we have You.  We have a King.  And You have a kingdom.  Both in our hearts and in the heavenlies.

You have a throne where You sit, where You rule.  You are most definitely on it.  It's Your throne, not ours.  Our only response to Your throne:  bow before it; don't ever attempt to climb up on it.

You have complete dominion and absolute authority.  And only a King has both the privilege and joy of setting captives free.  Free from ourselves.  Free to follow You.  Free to do as You see fit.

Left on our own understanding and our own ways, we will screw up.  Royally. 

I don't want to do as I see fit.  No, I want to do as You see fit.  I want to live according to You and Your ways, not myself and mine. 

Direct my paths.  Direct the paths of your people.  Grant us the strength to do what is right and the grace when we don't.  Steer us clear of the compromising standards of this world and toward You and Your divine purposes.

Today {once again} I declare my dependence on You.  I fully rely on You for everything.  For in You, I live and move and have my being.  I trust You.  I need You.

I acknowledge You as King and rest in Your Kingship.   You are the King of all kings.  King of our hearts, King of our lives, King of every specific circumstance today.

May our hearts bow to You and Your authority as our King, today.  Because Your Word promises every one of our knees will do it one day.

I pray for my generation.  I pray that we may be a dependent people.  And that it may be said of us,
"In those days, they had a King; everyone did as He (the King) saw fit."

"Your kingdom come,
Your will be done..."

Matthew 6:10