Full steam ahead for 365 days. That is until last week when we had our first setback.
A phone call. Another phone call. Excitement. An email. A picture. Information. More excitement. Some questions. Some answers. Some concerns. Some prayers. Another email. More questions. More answers. More concerns. Less excitement. More prayer.
Argggggg.......
When was the last time you were desperate? Desperate to know what you should do? Desperate to know, without any hesitation, His plan for you? Desperate to see His hand and seek His face in light of your situation?
In a nutshell, that was us last week. Summed up and tied up in one emotion-packed word: desperate. Faced with a HUGE, life-altering decision and desperately needing wisdom. ASAP.
"If you don't know what you're doing, pray to the Father.
He loves to help. You'll get His help, and won't be condescended to when you ask for it.
Ask boldly, believingly, without a second thought."
James 1:5-6 (The Message)
We know our Father's voice. We have heard Him say, "Yes" and we have heard Him say, "No". We know what undeniable peace feels like when we're walking the path He's set before us. We also know what unrest, irritability and irritation feels like when we're not.
The whole situation reminded me of a winter day a couple of years ago. On this particular day, I was traveling alone in my car to an unknown destination, trying to figure out the newly added navigation feature on my phone.
On the way there, I got turned around. I didn't know where I was going. All because my cell phone kept cutting out. The signal kept fading and I needed to hear the GPS voice to know which way to turn and to help me get to my destination.
I needed help. If I didn't hear the voice, I would be lost.
Then I remembered this:
"Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying,
'This is the way; walk in it.'"
Isaiah 30:21 (NIV)
The phone finally kicked back in and thankfully, I arrived exactly where I needed to be and exactly when I needed to be there.
Last week, my mind went back to that day in the car while comparing it to our current situation. In the same way, Derek and I needed direction. Our ears needed to hear His voice telling us "This is the way. Walk." or "This is not the way. Stop."
Our minds sorted through the facts. Our hearts felt the pull of the emotional weight bearing down on us. We desperately wanted it all to work out.
With each passing hour, each new piece of information, and each prayer prayed, we strained to hear. We leaned in, listened and eventually, heard Him clearly.
What we'd been so hopeful for and so excited about, quickly turned the other way. We struggled. We cried. We released it. And that's when we felt the loss. Just like we did when we walked through the miscarriage I had nearly seven years ago.
When it wasn't meant to be. Not then. Not now.
We started this journey by letting our "yes be yes". But in this particular situation we had to simply let our "no be no."
Today, we are not disheartened, just disappointed. Our hearts no longer heavy, but hopeful.
We will continue to wait for God and for His immaculate timing for our family. It will happen. We don't have the slightest idea when, but we hold to the belief that it will. And hopefully, soon and very soon.
For now, we've gotten up, dusted ourselves off, laced up our shoes and stepped back on the path of this journey. We are walking again. But some things remain unchanged.
We are still desperate. Still desperate for His leading. Still desperate for His voice. Still desperate for His direction.
We will keep going and keep trusting and keep asking for His help to know where to walk and when to walk toward the little one we are desperate to have in our family.
(Forgive me for the vagueness of this post. Unfortunately, we cannot share all the details for privacy's sake. Thank you for understanding.)
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